Originally posted on The Inhuman League.

Fancy joining the Inhuman Horde? The Inhuman League want you!

The Inhuman League, Sheffield’s Mens Roller Derby league are recruiting. Want to get fit? Want to skate fast in a circle? Want to barge blokes off a track in the greatest sports on 8 wheels? You don’t need any skating experience, we’ll teach you everything. And your first session is free so why don’t drop us a message to recruitment@theinhumanleague.co.uk

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Originally posted on The Inhuman League.

I’ve always been curious about that side of myself.

As a 30 year old male gifted with little natural rhythm, dancing (with any
semblance of style) has always provided a challenge. Now, I’m an absolute
star at ‘Dad dancing’. I even have a nine year old son who (with the greater
good in mind) has been known to physically steer me away from the dance
floor at weddings and functions. That’s how good a ‘Dad dancer’ I am.
When your nine year old son (with all seriousness) threatens to kick you in the
balls to make you stop, you know you’re solid gold. Heaven only knows how
I’d fair dancing on a pair of roller skates.

Dad dancing - super cool

But that was the challenge I’d set myself. And a challenge I’d see through to
the end. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a confident guy, but I was a little nervous at
the prospect of keeping ‘in time’ with others, holding a beat and feeling like a
right berk. In fact, I mainly just wanted to avoid feeling like a berk.

I’ll begin by telling you how this all got started. The Inhuman League is very
fortunate to have Jerry Attric in our midst. Jerry is a qualified skate coach who
runs a roller dance class every Friday in the centre of Leeds. When I learned
of this I was intrigued, curious and willing to try it . . . at least once anyway.

So a date was made, a space in the class was booked and I was on my way.

The class is held in a studio space contained within Virgin Active at The Light in
Leeds. The floor is wooden and there are mirrors covering half the walls, so
you can see your skatey gyrations in all their glory. Time to get my skates on.

As the class starts it’s clear that the group is quite diverse in its ability level. Some
are regulars to skating and for some it’s their first time on skates in a while/ever.
I try and spot any roller derby folk to possibly strike up conversation. I do this
mainly by looking at their skates. I find none. Most folk are wearing hire skates
they’ve rented from Jerry.

We start by doing a few laps of the room which leads into a warm up. Once
suitably warmed up and stretched out, the real work begins. Queue
reggae(?) music in the background. Like most 30 something white males
reggae for me was quite simply Dad’s cassette of Bob Marley, I have no idea what
reggae is beyond that. If you were to put a gun against my head and ask me to name
another reggae artist other than Bob Marley, the closest I’d come would be
Levi Roots. Yes, the inventor of reggae, reggae sauce. Please, just shoot me now.

Clearly a musical genius

That said, the choice of music does make for an easy atmosphere and it’s got
a good beat, a beat I can hear and feel and potentially keep in time to.

With the music going strong we cover some basics. It’s then not long before
Jerry has us all start bouncing to the beat and moving our weight from one
leg to the other. This naturally progresses into stepping with some crossovers
and then we start to add things like kicking our heels out and tapping our toes.

We do this all whilst bouncing and stepping to the beat in different variations
of ‘steps’ all lead by the very amiable Jerry Attric. It’s at around this point
when it dawns on me to have a look around the room to see how others are
fairing. And this is what I see; there are around 30 people, on skates, mostly
females, lined up, Levi Roots is playing in the background and we all seem to
be,well, sort of dancing.

I say sort of, because like anything it takes time and effort to refine. Sure
we’re all sort of in time and our technique is a little rough but in less than two
hours I have danced, on roller skates, in time, to the beat and without feeling
like a massive berk and a great feeling it is too. It’s worth mentioning the class’s
merits as a work out too. It’s not too strenuous and holds benefit for anyone,
roller derby players or not.

As a side note, I was also incredibly sweaty at the end. Thinking this wouldn’t
raise the heart rate or require me to break a sweat whilst dressed in jeans and a
t-shirt was a little naive. Shorts may be better next time. Nevertheless, a celebratory bowl
of nachos and about a gallon of sprite is in order. On Jerry’s recommendation I’m bound for Bar Burrito.

For next wedding I’m invited to; I’m taking my skates and Levi Roots’ latest
album.

In closing, the roller dance class is great fun and definitely worth doing at least
once. Aside from leisure skating and Roller Derby it’s good to see another
(more rhythmic) side to skating. It’s good to get another perspective on some
of the things you’ll learn in roller derby too. Roller dance approaches some
of the things you’re taught in roller derby with a different view, it appears to
be more about movement and control with technique and delivery being the
focus. It helps take some things out of a roller derby context and makes them
seem a little more relaxed. This is especially great for beginners in roller
derby. Seasoned players could benefit too. The class is a great way to have
some fun on skates and perhaps a good way to get away from viewing skates
as training tool.

Give it shot, if nothing else you’ll get a good work out and a few laughs. Oh
and be sure to visit Bar Burrito afterwards.
To book visit: http://northernroll.co.uk/

For burrito’s go here: http://www.barburrito.co.uk/restaurants/leeds.aspx

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Originally posted on The Inhuman League.

What brings you here?

Well, you might be considering joining or you may have just joined The
Inhuman League. You’ve never skated much before, ‘cept when you got a
pair of inline skates for your birthday that time, and you didn’t stick at that did
you?

So you’re starting out in roller derby, it’s early days, you still have to grasp the
basics and pass minimum skills. . so let’s fast forward.

Sometime from now, in the not too distant future. . you’re a competent and
confident skater, you have all the right kit and about 50 sets of wheels. You’ve
taken your knocks along the way and your skate buddies are like a second
family to you. You feel all warm and fuzzy when you skate. You’ve come a
long way baby. .

But how did you get here??

Short answer: Time, and a lot of falling on your arse.

Remember when you started out? You were that delicate little flower that fell
over when anyone gave you so much as a stern look. And remember how you
could get going, but couldn’t stop without the aid of a wall? Well those days
are gone, now you’re chiselled out of granite, a rolling abominable leviathan
on a mission from the beyond with only one aim: to crush ’em, crush ’em, kill,
kill, kill! Feared and revered on the track, that’s you.

But becoming chiselled out of granite took time, and a lot of falling on your
arse.

No matter who you look at in The Inhuman League (or any team for that
matter). We all started the same way: like drunken deer on ice, friends of
gravity, face planters and wall grabbers the lot of us. You just weren’t around
to see it. None of us were developed in a secret lab or had an accident
involving gamma radiation to become skilled at skating. It just took a lot of
time and falling on our arses.

But time and arse do not a skater make. Aside from time, the other important
ingredient here isn’t falling on your arse. It’s getting back up. . . and getting
back up. . . and getting back up.

The hardest lessons are learned many times.

Many, many times. And if I had a pound for every time I’ve fallen, I’d be a
wealthy man and if you’re just starting out, your piggy bank must be getting
fairly heavy by now.

Let’s keep things in monetary terms to aid our understanding here.

Let’s say you get one pound for every fall. Then let’s say you get two pounds
for every time you get back up. This is the value of determination and
perseverance. Getting back up, whether it be after a hit or when you’re trying
to master new skills. It doesn’t matter. Just get back up. In time you’ll become
harder to knock down and that once difficult new skill is now easy peasy.

It’s impossible to beat someone who never gives up.

It’s getting back up and on your skates with grit in your guts and a steely look
in your eye ready to go again, that’s what really makes a difference.

This is where you were at when you started training. Remember?

And look where it got you. Now you’re a force to be reckoned with, tearing up the
track and annihilating the competition with Sheffield’s first men’s Roller Derby
team; The Inhuman League.

Imagine how far you’d have got if you’d just given up or never joined at all.

What brings you here?

For more content like this, head right on over to The Inhuman League. Or get more from this author: Doug Hisgrave

Originally posted on The Inhuman League.

There appeared to be a fair difference in my speed going into this training session, (usually I am fairly slow and have to take the inside line) but in the SSRG carbon session before our TIL session I managed 23 laps in 5 minutes (w/o crossovers). I was quite pleased with this, although I am going to start again from next time only using crossovers (even if I only manage 10 laps) and keep building up until I can do 25 in 5 using crossovers. This way I get to work on my crossover technique and I will be using less energy to achieve it, whereas at the moment I skate as fast as I can go on straights and roll through turns.

In the TIL session, we started off doing Jammie Dodger’s 99 lap warmup with the laps getting faster every 11 laps.  Everyone skated in a pace line and you kept going until you couldn’t keep up. I found this to be a really useful warmup as it enables you to get a measure of how fast you are going (like the 25 laps), but on a weekly basis – which can also help you work on other things such as crossovers. I forgot to count my laps as I was concentrating on keeping up with everyone else and I didn’t realise there was a laptop that kept count (so from next time I will remember to check it). By the end of the drill there were only 3 or 4 skaters left on the track who managed to keep up the pace for the whole 108 laps.

After this there was scrimmaging (as there were over 20 skaters at the session!) so I went around the outside of the track to practice other things. Firstly I was working on a challenge set by Bollock Obama to gather speed, 180 knee spin and then get up and keep going backwards. I gave it a try but lost too much momentum while sliding to keep moving much when I got back up so I practiced getting up from falls.  I was then asked to practice backwards skating by Oblivion Westwood.  I managed to complete a lap backwards (it was a very slow one with lots of stopping and starting, but it was a lap regardless). I was trying to sticky skate backwards and kept losing balance, so next time I am going to try having one lazy leg and sticky skate with the other, until I am proficient enough going backwards to go faster.

I also tried practicing transitioning (still find it really hard) and had some help with faithkill to look at where I am going wrong.  We found that I still need to be confident on one leg (my weaker leg) so that I can do the turn after the first initial step. Because if this I am practicing one legged gliding again until I am as comfortable on both legs.

Going into the next session there is a lot for me to practice, I think the main thing to practice is the one legged gliding as it will make everything else easier to learn rather than coming to this later. I am really grateful for the help I get from all of the other experienced skaters (such as Faithkill, Run Roller Run, Dutchman, Justin Tolerable, Jarvis, Bollock, Stuntman Psyk, Oblivion Westwood, and many others) It’s really helpful that I can get an expert opinion on where things are going wrong and what works as I am usually trying to over complicate movements and not noticing a better way of doing things. It’s also good as people have different ways of doing things and if there is one way that doesn’t work someone is likely to have a way that does work.

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Originally posted on The Inhuman League.

So, I thought I’d let you know what happened on Sunday’s training session.  You know, because I can.

To begin with we had the usual warm up that accompanies every training session, skating around the track and watching whoever runs the warm up, waiting to see what fingers they hold up. When the whistle blows you have to do the corresponding falls (1 finger = single knee fall 2 = double knee etc). That’s all I have to say about that, really.

I then had the opportunity to have a go on Bollock Obama’s patented ‘crossover rope’ which was aimed at helping me along with my crossovers. The general idea is like a swingball game, Bollock Obama was the Post, the rope was the string, and I was the ball.  This helped define the circle allowing me to keep going round and crossing over without having to worry about following a line (it also helped with the leaning as I was only connected to the rope from my arms). At first I struggled with this, as my crossovers are pretty poor and that I wasn’t used to going as fast, but after a while I began to get the hang of it.  Then I got dizzy and had to break for a bit.

It was kind of like this. Sort of.

Skate mail and I were then tutored for a while by a guest skater on crossovers while the rest of the skaters (a very sizable turnout) practiced blocks with as much contact as possible, I didn’t get to see much of this drill but I could definitely see the advantages of this. The hits were a lot more effective and with this extra contact it was easier to turn a hit into a surging push – and force your opponent out of bounds. It also was good, as an all or nothing hit can backfire and leave your opponent in a dominant position if it goes wrong. With this method of hitting you can move another blocker out of the way or maybe even down them without having to take risks. Bollock then covered some tactics which rely heavily on this kind of blocking, explained via the cunning application of ‘Sylvanian Families’ toys (training sessions are always fun as they always have something like this).  These toys aren’t required in actual play, but do serve as good markers in a tactical planning session, it seems.

A formidable team of blockers

We also practiced lateral skating around the outside of the track while the other drills were going on -I can kind of do it going right but I can’t turn left, like zoolander. We also practiced crossovers on turns. I was glad of the opportunity to practice these, as I need to increase my speed and get used to doing them more. I also tried just using crossovers going the wrong way around the outside of the track, although seeing someone getting smashed off track coming towards you is a bit terrifying. The other skaters then practiced a sort of scrimmage (and I got to play for team zebra ). It was really exciting to outside pack ref but I didn’t see very many penalties (I still need to notice things more, although I managed to call a track cut ). I also found that practicing reffing like this is brilliant for working on stops as you have to stop and get into position for the next pass, it was also good for pace as I had to keep up with the pack.

It was a really good training session and I enjoyed going back to basics on a few things, and although I didn’t practice the hitting drills I could see techniques that were really useful and I appreciated being able to watch as I don’t always notice things in the middle of a drill. The refereeing was also good as it helped me revise the rules in a practical way, and it also helped with keeping pace and stopping (and then at the end of the session there was cake!). After this session I feel really positive about some of the (small) improvements I have made and I really look forward to Tuesday.

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Originally posted on The Inhuman League.

Skate Mail sent us a warning the other day regarding the dangers of joining roller derby. There is another bad side effect to joining the sport. The obsession sometimes gets so overwhelming you start to indulge in roller derby off skates, outside the sports hall, on the streets.

We’ve all been there. Lacing up our work shoes, pulling on our smart trousers, taking a big swig of our coffees and heading out into the world, ready to take on other commuters. Whether it’s by foot or by car, derby takes over.

For example. You’re walking down a busy high street and there are a lot of codgers and a mass of mothers with buggies blocking your path, but between them there are several little gaps. Pre-derby you would have gone ‘Shoot! I’m going to be late!’. Not in the case of the derby addict, these gaps are holes, and holes are little gifts given to you for passage, if you have the sk1llz. This can only be seen as a challenge as you hope and jump your way through the mass wall of slow that blocks your route.

Then you approach a pelican crossing. The little man is red (little red man will play the part of ref for this jam), a group of people stand waiting (a nice pack has formed on the pivot line), you stand 20 feet behind the pack (jam line), braced and ready. The green man blows his whistle and you watch, waiting for the last commuter to cross the line… and then GO! Jamming your way through the poor unsuspecting business men and women as they shuffle their way to work. Oh the joy when you reach the opposite side other the road! 4 points! Calling off the jam may be a step too far…

Well maybe that’s a little extreme but I’m pretty sure all you car drivers have played road derby. When some tailgating so and so drives up your bumper. The only logical thing to do is positionally block that fiend all the way home.

Things get worse where you unconsciously turn around off skates with a transition motion. When you walk around corners and your legs automatically crossover. You find your legs twisting into the sideways skate motion whenever you’ve been stood still for a few seconds. This only gets worse when you try this while using the toilet (boys). Don’t bother, if you lose balance it’s a disaster of biblical proportions…

Your affliction takes another turn for the worse in company of other derby people. All the above happens but with the added incentive of knowing you have a challenger. Who can get to the end of the street first without back-blocking any unsuspecting pedestrians?

It’s when things get borderline assault you have to stop. The swaggering youth with his pants on show, playing some Dubstep at ear-bleeding levels and throwing off bad, disrespectful language in front of a group of unsuspecting catholic school children being escorted around town by some nuns may deserve to be floored a massive shoulder check, the 50^th person asking you to take a leaflet on the same street for some vile club may be temping you to hip check them over that railing but sadly we can’t. And drivers, if that pesky tailgater does get past you, please refrain from hitting him, that’s not going to end well for anyone, is it! You’ll just end up in the penalty box (police station).

So, if you suffer from Street Derby, let us know. Have I missed any games? Any stupid stories that involve some non-derby person giving you a weird look because you’re doing something derby that makes complete sense to you? And yes, our lawyers have asked us to say all the above is childish and irresponsible and shouldn’t be done outside of a sports hall… but we’ve all had the street derby urge!

For more content like this, head right on over to The Inhuman League. Or get more from this author: Stuntman Psyk

Originally posted on The Inhuman League.

Before I start I just want to stress that the title is not ‘derby stinks’ as in derby is awful, it is that you genuinely come across some interesting odours (i like to call them ‘derby stinks’ or ‘pad stinks’ hence the title). I didn’t notice the derby stinks at first as I started with no skating ability (so I didn’t get very far) and hired everything. I did notice that I seemed to leak rather than just normally sweat – you could literally follow the trail (I only traveled about 2 feet).

By the time I finally had my own set of pads I was able to go further… which meant more sweat (FUN!). I left the session sweating like an [EXPLETIVE DELETED], and as I was so tired I just threw my kit bag in a corner for the rest of the night. This was a bad idea! The next morning when I came to empty my bag and put everything away I was greeted with the stench from the night before (it wasn’t pleasant). When I mentioned this to Stuntman PsyK I was told that I should at least open my bag to let the pads air out and reduce this (all I had done was let them stew overnight….Yummy!).

Since then I have been fairly good at making sure they don’t get locked away over night to conspire against me, and where possible I do try to wash them once every 2 weeks or so. Although if you do get hit by the wall of smell (I say wall because it hurts, like being whipped face first into a wall of blockers), I have found a few good techniques that seem to work for me .

The first I found was to keep a small bag of Sodium Bicarbonate (baking soda) in your bag as this is supposed to draw out nasty smells (including pad stinks). I did this for a few weeks until I realised it probably isn’t a good idea to carry around bags of white powder traveling to and from training (sweaty out of breath teen + carrying a baggy of powder = questions asked & a lot of hassle). Thankfully I was never discovered with the bags but I had to go back to the drawing board to find another way.

It's for smells officer! (not the best argument to use)

I did find a better way although it is basically washing them, works a treat though! I filled my sink with water and added a handful of the aforementioned sodium bicarbonate (It’s really useful and fairly cheap) and then just left the pads to soak for a while. while soaking the baking soda is getting to work (I could explain this in scientific detail but that would be boring, so I will just say it’s magic). Once they have soaked, hang the pads to air out and the smell should be gone.  Yeeeeay!

Another method I had found was to do the same as above but using white vinegar as a substitute for the bicarbonate of soda. Just fill the sink with half water and half vinegar and leave to soak. (Note: with this method the pads will smell of vinegar until they are aired out and dry). I have never tried this method as the first one works fine for me.

You may smell of fishnets at first!

The mouth guards are fairly easy to clean, I basically treat them as plastic teeth (and therefore carry the same bacteria as teeth) and brush them in the same manner – it’s very messy but quite good for keeping them clean. I have also seen other methods for cleaning mouth guards such as soaking them in lemon juice and mouthwash, or give them a whiskey bath (best idea ever!). I have also seen that if you boil the mouth guard in something it will retain that taste.  Gatorade seems to be popular on the internet, but I want to try it with peanut butter . My favorite was found on a forum post where someone said ‘soak it in the blood of your enemies and it will taste of victory’. Not sure how true this is but I will try it at some point (not the blood bit, Gatorade is what I meant).

The best way to combat pad stink is to try minimize the smell completely, this can be done in several ways

1. Put a bag deodorizer in your kit bag (in the same way as the sodium bicarbonate) http://www.harlemuk.com/product/kikkerland/195-deodorizing-shoe-ball/
2. Open your bag at the end of practice at least (try hang the pads and open them out if possible)
3. Pad condoms! try wearing another layer between your skin and pads as this will in theory absorb some of the sweat and therefore smell. You can make these by cutting up a pair of long socks to make them fit under your pads.
4. Febreeze, or any other similar products, give them a quick spray after practice while you let them air out.

Hopefully this guide can be of use to anyone just starting out and will help you to avoid having stinky pads after your first session.  Also, think about how you time your pad-washing. I once attempted to wash my pads a few days before training and they barely dried in time, try leave as long as possible for drying. Also try to get into a routine so that you get used to what works for you and what doesn’t.

Happy stink free derby everyone

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Originally posted on The Inhuman League.

Hey competent skaters—congratulations!  Chances are you’ve progressed a lot since you started derby.  Chances are you can now skate confidently and quickly, stop and turn in a variety of ways, and have a chance of staying upright when some angry, tattooed behemoth tries to hastily reshape your torso.   Even those of you who could already skate when you started can probably see the progress you’ve made at applying derby-specific skills.  Well done!

(If these congratulations don’t apply to you, go practice, and come back later.)

Still reading?  Then you’re probably in the same predicament as I am.  Maybe you’ve been at this for a year or so, and now you’re looking for ways to improve your skating that will also help your derby.

Me too. So, I offer this, a wholly subjective list of nine advanced skating skills for the derby skater:

1. Transitions. I know you can probably transition pretty well already in one direction and maybe a bit the other way.  Now, it’s time to get these nailed down, anticlockwise and clockwise, front to back and vice versa.  You may never want to skate backwards in a bout, but there will always be times when you end up facing the wrong direction.  A thorough command of transitions will keep you in the flow of the bout whilst you sort yourself out.  Deadly Nedly proved this at Silence of the Jams, when a big hit spun him round, but he transitioned out of it without losing speed, and carried on with his power jam.  There are lots of ways to transition (find me in person sometime and I will bore you to tears about them).  Try to learn them all.  The more ways you can spin round without stopping, the more nimble you’ll be.  An ice hockey coach recently told me that this is how he culls the wannabes from the skaters—the ones who have real potential aren’t fazed by turning around mid-stride.

2. Backwards Skating. Again, you can probably do this one already.  It kind of goes along with transitions, anyway.  Now, get better at it.  Try to do everything that you can do frontwards, backwards.  Back crossovers are a good place to start; backwards plow stops are not too hard either.  Backwards hockey stops are a bit trickier.  Backwards positional blocking poses a lot of risks, but I’ve found it to be quite handy.  Work on all of these until you feel comfortable skating backwards in a pack.  You may never want to do this in a bout, but if you ever have too, you’ll be glad you can.

3. Sideways Skating. This just looks cool.  More than that, though, it’s a handy skill for transitioning into and out of hip checks and for holding an opponent on the outside line.  Drive them outward into the corner, and then switch to some sideways skating and they will discover that they can’t turn in (that will earn them a back block) or out (which would take them out of bounds), which leaves them only with stopping and waiting as an option.  Sideways skating has an even cooler application in wall-breaking, where you can use it to slither round a positional blocker.  Get a lead foot in, turn sideways, chest-on to the blocker, drop your lead shoulder onto his or her chest, and transition to backwards skating.  The sideways stride or two in the middle will allow you to accelerate as you spin backwards, and with your new transitions and backwards skating you’ll have time for a quick wave goodbye before you disappear.

4. Hockey Stops. These also look cool, and they’re a great way to cut speed and change direction simultaneously.  Think of them as aggressive lateral skating.   From a derby stance, point both knees simultaneously in the direction you want to turn, and lean your upper body back in the direction you came from.  Dig your trailing wheels in as hard as you can.  (That is, the wheels on the left side of each skate if you’re turning left, and the right side if you’re turning right).  The further you lean, the harder you’ll stop.  Try to resist the urge to spin, which will take you off balance, and open you up to devastating hits.  Use this to when you’ve got a good sense of which direction the blocker is going, and when you want to cut behind him or her.  Or, use it if you’ve just gotten in front of someone whom you want to knock over backwards.  Or, combine it with a leap for a Jammie-Dodger-style apex jump.

Maybe it’s a good time to go practice some of this.  I won’t be hurt if you put off reading the rest of this for a bit, so long as you come back later.

Still here?  Or back again? Well then, have a look at a few more skills:

5. Plow Stops. Coming off of hockey stops, these don’t look cool at all.  Also, they’re a minimum skill, so what are they doing here?  Well, you’re not doing them well enough. It’s okay, though—none of us are.  The plow stop is the only stop that keeps you focussed forward and in a derby stance—the hockey stop turns you sideways, and the derby stop and powerslide turn you backwards.  (If you can’t derby stop, learn.  If you can’t powerslide, join the club.  It’s flipping awful.)  The t-stop keeps you facing forward, but leaves you upright and with your skates together, a sure recipe for a massive hit.  To plow stop from speed, get your legs wide apart, and drive your inside rear wheels outward.  You may break your ankles.  If so, try alternating pressure on each foot until you’ve got the balance right.  Suzy Hotrod says that she uses this technique all the time as she approaches a pack, and that it helps her set up an explosive leap forward.

6. Explosive Leaps Forward, or Running. What a coincidence!  This is basically the same skill as starting (which is really a minimum skill), with the difference that this takes place when you’re already moving.  Try running on your toe stops while you’re skating—you accelerate remarkably quickly, or else you fall down.  Also, try duck running at speed, shuffling quickly sideways, and a running crossover (or ‘pony step’).  Each of these gives you another way to go from rolling slowly to moving quickly, and combining them means you’ll find it easier to fit through small gaps or over obstacles.  You’ll also be less likely to trip over people’s feet if you’re comfortable at moving without rolling.  If you get really good at this kind of movement, try combining it with transitions.  You’ll be a ballerina!

7. Jumping. Do it over people.  It’s scary, but awful handy when someone slides out in front of you mid-jam, and you’ve a choice of stopping, falling, or hurdling them like you’re at the Grand National and carrying on with your power jam. (I’ll put a fiver on you.) Approach this just like an ordinary jump, but jump higher.  Don’t worry about the person you’re jumping over—they won’t get hurt if you screw up, unless you bail midway through and land knees- or wheels-down on their chest.  If you do this, they have every right to stab you.  No, just jump, knees up and fast.  If you don’t get high enough, aim for the floor.  It won’t hurt too much.

Chances are if you're doing this as a derby skater, you've fallen off something high by accident. Still, props for looking cool as you fall to your death.

8. One-step Hitting. This skill also develops out of leaping.  The only part of a hit that matters is the brief moment from when contact is made with the opponent until very shortly afterwards.  You want to be accelerating at that moment to deliver maximum impact; after the hit, you want to recover and skate away.  The faster you can do this, the less chance your opponent has to clock what you’re doing and respond, and while it’s fun to set up a hit from five strides away, this often leads to inefficient hitting (sometimes with skaters decelerating into the hit rather than accelerating) and penalties.  Try this: skate beside an opponent, both looking straight ahead, about a meter apart.  Without warning, take one crossover into their path, duck down, and hit; then, move along the path they were on.  Hit them as hard as you can without sacrificing the forward recovery.  When you do it right, the whole hit should be instantaneous and devastating.  A handy tip here is to aim a little forward and a little below where you want to hit—this way, even a near miss will result in a legitimate hit rather than a back block.

9. Squatting. This is the tongue-rolling of derby.  Some people can do it.  Some people just can’t.  I am firmly in the second category.  Unlike tongue rolling, however, you can teach yourself to do this, and you should.  The lower you can squat—and I’m talking bum on the heels business here—the greater a ranger of motion you’ll have, and the greater your range of motion, the more likely you’ll be to recover before falling down.  Squatting is all a matter of flexibility in your soleus muscle (the lower part of the calf and the top of the Achilles tendon).  You can stretch this muscle using the following exercise: find a chair that’s a bit too low for you.  Sit right on the edge of the chair.  Put your feet flat on the floor, and pull your heels back toward the chair.  When your heels start to lift, stop pulling but keep your heels down.  Once you get good at this, find a lower chair.  Keep doing it.  If you’re already able to squat, practice doing it on one leg, or with a leg out, or with a leg wrapped round in front of you.  Anything you can do here will improve your balance.

So, there are nine things you ought to learn to improve your skating.  Mind, not all of these things will be useful for derby all the time, but they will definitely make you a better skater, and if you practice them enough, you’ll discover that they’ll crop up at times you don’t expect.  Someone will hit you and spin you a bit, and instead of falling down you’ll turn out of it in a graceful transition and disappear into the distance. Don’t forget to wave!

For more content like this, head right on over to The Inhuman League. Or get more from this author: Bollock Obama

Originally posted on The Inhuman League.

Merby is highly addictive.

I was concerned to see an earlier blog post advising impressionable youngsters on how to “get into Merby“.

To the uninitiated, it may seem a harmless enough sport populated by skaters with fanciful names and appealing t-shirts.  But, without firm guidance away from the sport, many of these innocent men will devote their evenings and weekends to derby, and spend spare cash on new kit and travel to tournaments overseas.

With the sport developing into a world-wide epidemic, it’s time to offer advice on how to avoid temptation.

After watching your first bout, you will probably feel the urge to buy or borrow a pair of skates and attend a training session.  Try to convince yourself that it’s all far too much effort, or that you’ll never be able to match the skills of the teams you’ve watched.  Avoid watching any further derby, and under no circumstances check out your local roller rink.

If this advice comes too late for you, or you find yourself unable to resit the draw of roller derby, it’s best to break the habit early.  More experienced skaters will often befriend newbies, teach them the minimum skills, and encourage them to buy derby-related equipment.  Use nothing but the very cheapest skates, or those available for hire from a rink, as these will ensure that mastering the basic skills is difficult and possibly painful.  Ignore all advice, and be sure to attend any training sessions as infrequently as possible.

This could be your fate if you don't get control of your addiction quickly

If you are unfortunate enough to pass a minimum skills assessment, there is little hope left.  Studies show that skaters who relocate typically find a local team to welcome them.  Even those forced to go “cold turkey” when they move to areas with no derby team frequently set up a new league, restarting the cycle by tempting more people into the world of derby.

It may look “fun” and “cool”, but just one session can lead to a lifetime of merby.  Remember, kids, just say “no” to merby.

For more content like this, head right on over to The Inhuman League. Or get more from this author: Skate Mail

Originally posted on The Inhuman League.

For the first few weeks of skating I was very serious about everything (largely due to the fact I was panicking about falling over) this lead to me having a very rigid almost robotic stance of being almost curled up with my arms in front (I suspect as a safeguard for falls). This kept up for a few weeks and was really starting to bug me, then one Sunday training session Stuntman PsyK and Bludgeon Malone were creating dance moves and generally being silly whilst on skates (Not during drills! they are very professional but it was between drills/before the session). Needless to day I forgot my fears and tried joining in, I fell over a fair few times at first but eventually managed to join in with the fun. I didn’t notice at first but I realised my stance was a lot less rigid and my strides were a lot more fluid rather than the robotic kicks I was used to (I also seemed to be going faster doing this). At the end of the session I realised I had skated well that day and couldn’t pinpoint the source of it.

Being willing to see the ‘dance’ in anything is ESSENTIAL in roller derby.  Obviously.

After all the fun and games Stuntman PsyK (an advocate of being silly on skates: see “hello skater, I want to play a game”) pointed out how much faster than usual I was going and how little I fell over. Due to the lack of falling we decided to counter this by practicing 180^o knee spins, which then became rotate as many times as you can in one knee spin (one SSRG skater managed 4 or 5 rotations in one spin!), which in turn became “hey guys do you think its possible to do a 360^o 4 point fall/ baseball slide?” (It can’t be done). And in doing this I noticed I was getting up from falls a lot faster and the fall technique was becoming a lot more compact, I was falling small.

It seemed to be that even messing about is still practice, and that as long as you do it at an appropriate time and in a safe way being silly can actually be a really useful way to improve on some of the roller derby basics. It also helped me with my stance (which I had always been told was good but I was a bit too rigid before) and my speed which was a factor letting me down in the past. I now look for any opportunity to mess around when I get the chance as any practice is good practice, and as most roller derby coaches will tell you, a lot of roller derby is muscle memory (and from my experiences I have found that muscle memory does not discriminate between actual training and just being silly).

For more content like this, head right on over to The Inhuman League. Or get more from this author: Phallic Baldwin